"The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function." 
-- F. Scott Fitzgerald.

Sadly, while I love what F. says in the above quote, I'm pretty sure that I've failed that particular test, day after day, because part of my problem in life is that I feel and see both sides of just about everything, at the same time. 
Am I the only one? Does anyone else suffer with this? Because it often turns my sense of self into more of a blur than anything. 
Inconsistency and duality run thru me like the words written on a stick of Brighton Rock. They almost completely define my life and my persona. 
Some examples:

[1] I'm outwardly very laid back -- but a massive bag of nerves on the inside.

[2] I'm a deep, deep romantic -- and a wholesale cynic.

[3] I'm rather suave in manner -- yet also a completely clumsy oaf.

[4] I'm often exuberant -- yet extremely bashful.

[5] I'm very serious minded -- yet very childlike about things that I love.

[6] I'm very forgiving of those friends that I love -- yet extremely hard on myself.

[7] In my time I've voted for political parties that are diametrically opposed on key social issues.

[8] I've been happily engaged twice -- and both times I knew that I would be a hopeless husband.

[9] Every day I look for [and usually encounter] joy -- yet most days I'll wish that I were not alive.

I could go on. [And on, and on...]
Sometimes I yearn for consistency... and yet, at other times the very idea of consistency is dull poison to me. 

Another inconsistency. 

So... how to blend these seemingly mutually exclusive stances into one unified, functioning whole, not unlike a delicious martini? 

It's a challenge, and an opportunity. 
Sadly it may be an insoluble opportunity....


    1. I can relate to almost everything you described here (just not the politics and husband part). Lol.

      It IS really difficult actually. You can feel like two completely different people and it’s hard to know who you really or or what you want sometimes.

      What I do is try to accept that there is always two sides of the coin.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Haha with regard to politics, I think it’s partly because British political parties tend to shift their ideologies from time to time. 😉
        Yes the ‘coin’ analogy is a good one… I’ve not really talked about internal paradoxes before, but the more I do, I’m realising that acceptance of both sides is the first [and probably most important] step.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. I’m a walking contratiction of myself, but I’ve never taken a moment to think of it that way. I figured it was my Yin and Yang ;). Now I wonder if it is my crazy coming through.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I think it’s more that the contradictions make a whole — can’t have one without the other. I’m not sure I’ve made peace with the contradictions because I always want the positive not the negative… which I think is normal. I’m now not sure if I’m even making sense now. haha.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Ah well I think I know what you’re saying. Yes it’s definitely normal… but is there a chance we can be content in minimising the negative, and not making that peace with the contradictions, I wonder? [Haha now I’m sure I’m not making sense…!]

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Kim… I think you’re right. I suppose it’s also tempting to want to think that we’re constant and straightforward people: it would make life simpler[!]


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