IN THE TWILIGHT ZONE

There's a fair few euphemisms I've used for anxious depression -- 'Mr Darkside', 'Dusk Wulf', etc --  in addition to the more obvious ones in common usage like 'black dog' or 'under a cloud'. I know some people don't like these euphemisms as they prefer to be direct and look the awful think directly in the face... but personally I find that a little imagery takes some of the heaviness out of it. 

One of the more long-term euphemisms [particularly when depression was a new thing to me] was 'The Twilight Zone'.

I really liked that eponymous American TV series as a kid [no, I'm not quite that old; in the 1980s and '90s they repeated episodes of the eerie original '60s series, late at night] and its offbeat, unsettling nature -- in atmospheric black & white -- did describe well that feeling of being in a place where life's normal rules don't apply anymore, where the ground beneath your feet is not as stable as you thought it was.  

Watching it as a kid, The Twilight Zone series could be mildly unsettling, or downright terrifying on occasion... just like being anxious/depressed/both. 

In my own 'Twilight Zone' I could/can go from fidgety/nauseous to borderline suicidal, and many places between. Colour fades from life [as in the original series, indeed]; up is down, down is up... the landscape of my life has all the sense of a drawing by M.C.Escher after a heavy session, and walruses have wings... 

Amid all the chaos of the Zone, the silence or indifference of others is registered as loathing, the ability to focus is abandoned, and positivity shrinks to subatomic size, losing both its voice and trousers in the process. 
Just horrid. 
Diabolical, even. 

* 

Yesterday, I drifted in and out of my own Twilight Zone. Several times. 

It was just one of those days: amid a day of busy-work, coffee with a chum, a couple of blogposts and some social emailing, I nevertheless on a number of occasions found myself feeling intensely lonely, miserable, with the feeling that everything I did or said was doomed to fail, and that every time I even attempted some degree of positivity then the world-at-large was essentially laughing at me, sneeringly and snidely. 

I kept thinking, should I tell someone? A good friend? An old friend? A new friend? Should I blog about it, stream-of-consciousness style? 
Anyway, I ultimately fell back on an old family maxim: 
In confusion, procrastinate... Then do nothing.
So I kept silent [save for posting a poem I'd written earlier] -- and indeed, by the end of the day, it was as if I'd never felt low or anxious, at all. 

Another devilish facet of my Twilight Zone... to leave naught but the vaguest of memories of the inner turbulence it brings. 
Until the next time.

But, as with the other changes that come from my blogging, I feel that it's important for me to shed light on that Twilight-y place, and to be heard -- indeed it's important for any and all of us to be heard -- and I believe that in being open, I can hopefully make my Twilight Zone a less strictly personal, and therefore less lonely, place to be. 

And what's more, before my blogging days, I don't recall ever admitting to openly feeling lonely ... feeling it was something to be ashamed of. And that is something of a big development. 

So, my blogging chums... thank you for reading. 

Your friend, 
Buffy -- occasionally of The Twilight Zone.
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Author: Buffy Devane

Anxietist; Cheerleader; Captain Posh.

7 thoughts on “IN THE TWILIGHT ZONE”

  1. You’re not alone…and it’s good to shed light on the twilight zone. Personally I would have blogged soc when you felt awful…because I bet you would have come up with some great writing…I know that goes against your fairly controlled nature, and blogging is already extending your comfort zone quite a bit…but my philosophy is more is more in blogging 🙂 And the more emotional you feel the better we all write. When we’re vulnerable is when it’s hardest to publish stuff…but that is the reality of mental health disorders. They are not glossy. So it depends what you want your blog to be…measured and considered, or fuelled by unrestrained passion, or both.

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    1. Thank you, Professor… you make a good point. I certainly like to READ the more raw, s-o-c posts, so maybe in time there will be a shift for me, in time. Haha, knowing me, the answer to your last point would indeed be “both. 😉

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