Not THE post I want to write today, but A post. One I should do nevertheless:

It's a test of one's mettle, isn't it?

Typing in the middle of an anxiety episode. 
Typing in fits and starts. 
Every so often I have to hug myself tight round my middle to stop the shaking. 
I feel like I'm trying to stop the bleeding. Psychological bleeding.

There IS a reasonable psychological element to it... worries about the future. Worried I won't get there -- or if I do, that I'll continue to be this miserable. 

The next hour, the next 5 minutes, feels like it will be torture. 
Trouble breathing? trouble thinking of anything good? That's me, right now.

I'd rather write "inspirationally". 
But that's not all I am... a lot of me is this. Sadly.

I'll probably look back on this post and think: 
"Gosh, a wee bit dramatic there, Buffy!" 

But that will be a good thing, too -- if not a pleasant thing.  
Everything can't be polished, can it? Even though I'd like it all to be 100% smooth, 100% of the time. 

Can't be done. 
I don't want to hide, any more. 

And I'd better press 'publish' now... before I change my mind...[!]


  1. As you know, when I written my anxiety post, I did it while it was happening. I normally write after it has happened, like say next day or two. Not in the moment. I even debated on not writing that moment, but then if I ended up not talking about it, I wouldn’t be doing what we are best doing and that is talking about it! So thank you for commenting on my anxiety update post and thank you for sharing yours. Hopefully your anxiety will soon pass for you and you are at where you feel you are normally are. I hate it when it creeps in. Don’t you?

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    1. Thank you too, Liz. Our respective ‘in the now’ posts are very important, I think, and yes… it’s just diabolical when it creeps in. I’m not as bad as I was but ‘normal’ is just a bit away still[!]

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  2. I’m so glad you wrote this lovely. You describe an anxiety episode very well and you don’t have to be inspirational…that’s not your blogs purpose. Your purpose is authenticity no matter your mood…that is what readers respond well too 🙂 I’ll text you to check in on how you’re doing now X

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  3. ugh! Anxiety/panic is terrible! Brave post; I love the honest in the moment posts. We can all support each other, through the yuck, and the feeling inspirational moments. 🙂


    1. Haha that sounds like a good meet up to me [!]
      It’s good to know that you also type in order to combat anxiety… I’m starting to feel very glad I did it today. 🙂


    1. Thank you Brian.
      Haha, gosh, I think you’re more intelligible than you might realise… after all, your posts have all been good. 🙂
      Of course, there’s a time for everything, and sometimes we’re just not in the right place for communicating.

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      1. I just finished a slew of projects. I promised myself when I had free time I would write about my assault.
        My scratches aren’t very intelligible. How many times can you use “hate” in a paragraph before it becomes a chant?
        I’ll do this, even though my thoughts get so foggy and my head is heavy and strains my neck.

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      2. I think I can appreciate what you’re saying… but perhaps repetition is no bad thing, when the thoughts/feelings need venting and maybe exorcising properly?
        I’ll look forward to what you have to say, in any case. 🙂

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