Today I'd set out to write a post on "The Groundhog Day of the Soul"... but, perhaps sadly, that might have to wait until 2nd February 2018. [I've also decided not to go out tonight... though happily I won't have to wait a year for the next opportunity to do so!] 

But anyway, this afternoon, instead of writing my post, I found myself in the middle of a bloody awful anxious/low mood. 
An attack, by anyone's standards.
What my grandmother might call "a right steel-tipped kick in the bollocks".

As it happened, in the midst of this, I made the decision to sign in here, and tried to blog my thoughts as they came... [see previous post]
But how to describe it, now, in hindsight? 

It was like a stabbing, of sorts. 
A stabbing in an old, well-known wound where I've been stabbed a number of times before. 
As it happened I felt a number of things...  

[1] I felt PANIC, simply bleeding out of me. 
That cruel voice, like my own voice, but harsher: "You're always going to feel like you're on the rack. Tough shit. Live with it..."

[2] I felt SHAME -- Unremitting shame and a complete dispersion of self-worth. Why bother contacting anyone? Why would anyone I know care that I feel bad? The cruel voice again: "No-one thinks well of you... and you're a deluded fool, Buffy, to think that anyone would."

[3] I felt MISERY... the heaviness of existence plonked on my fragile, seemingly broken skeleton. How I'd managed to live so long was just a mystery.

[4] I felt GRIEF... the brutal, aching grief of loss; the loss of those friends/loved ones gone from the world, and also for those friendships cooled or lost [as happens to us all]. I miss them all... sometimes more than I realise. 

[5] I felt EMPTINESS... as if all the good, all the sense of self, that had bled out of me could never be replaced.

The result of all this? 
I wanted to die. I just did; there's no other way to put it. 
Of course I wasn't going to do anything about it -- but I was drowning.

Anyway, it took a while, and I'm getting back to what can be reasonably called a Good Place. I've texted two friends and I've spoken to a few bloggers. I'm able to begin to put this in perspective, and I'm glad I didn't self-destruct in any dramatic way. 

It's also one of those little wake up calls: there are life changes I want [& need] to make, that I've not made before due to fear or for other reasons.

These changes must be made... and I'm going to see what I can do. 
Think bigger. Reach higher. No shame in not achieving all you've set out to achieve... there's plenty of time yet.

In the meantime, though, it's worth remembering my self-worth... in spite of Anxiety's attempts to take it permanently from me today, wholesale.

I'm proud of myself. 
In a small way. 


  1. I’m sorry you had suicidal desperation like that 😦 you explained what’s going on inside that mind of yours really well and your bravery in lifting the lid is commendable. I never think bad thoughts about you or that you don’t matter 😦 xxxxx

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you… I appreciate that, and it’s lovely of you to say. 🙂
      I’ve prided myself on always being grounded in my thinking, but it seems that rationality is one of the first things to leave us when we’re in that state of desperation. 😦 xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. The honesty is choking, I keep saying it but it’s very brave. Strong writing. You should be proud for many reasons, not least for getting through it but also writing about it. Be well soon Buffy.

    Liked by 4 people

  3. This must have been tough to write. You are stronger than you think to pull yourself out of the low, remember your self-worth, and write your thoughts down for all of us to learn. I applaud you for that!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much, you’re very kind — I think I’ve made a real shift in communicating at a hard time largely without a filter. It feels like a first step into the unknown… in a good way [!]

      Liked by 1 person

  4. If you can understand it, if you can name it, if you can face it – you can bounce it back. But most important of coz you have to make bigger steps…to change it. No rush tho. “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heaven” Eccles 3:1

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  5. I really really hate those episodes. I’ve learned to call them “funks” because it sounds more palatable to others who don’t quite understand. But I can tell. You get it.

    Glad you’re here. Glad I found you in this huge blogosphere. And glad you’re on your way back

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, Gabe… and you’re a good example of someone who’s doing really well in spite of knowing how bad things can get.
      I do like the term “funk”, by the way… it describes the feeling of it being temporary rather well. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. hehehe my not-so-good days usually involve heavy sedation and close medical supervision 😉 So your probably right. I wouldn’t know what I’m like. But an optimist would say I’m an absolute peach!

        Liked by 1 person

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