PAIN: POSTPONED [?]

Something that began in the rather early hours:


'FROM EARLIER TO LATER'

It began at 2am. 
More or less.
Hit a wall.
Right smack-bang into it. Full speed. 
Unthrillingly, the Return of the Insomniac?

3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8.... 
From pounding heart 
To pounding streets 
To brewing chewy coffee 
To emails, to beyond...(!) 

More and more minutes spent
With firmly fixed smile, keeping tears prisoner. 
For all the self-acceptance 
From years learning self-acceptance 
It remains My Embarrassment. 

I think I know what it is 
But I'm prepared to admit wrong-ness. 
(For I'm often wrong, sometimes rampantly so.) 
It's what's happened before: 
It's pain long postpon'd.

A run of Bad Days, firmly clamped down on 
Reshaped into Good Days... Great Days, even. 
Then, the danger over? 
Relief transforms itself to stress
And potent, empty, back-breaking gloom.

Will I break off tonight's night out?  
Curl up into a ball? 
Either gracefully or gracelessly admit defeat?
Those question marks inform me... 
That time will tell.
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Author: Buffy Devane

Anxietist; Cheerleader; Captain Posh.

18 thoughts on “PAIN: POSTPONED [?]”

      1. Ah I make sure I’m well away from the internet or anything electronic when it comes to pre-sleep(!)
        Thank you: it’s frustrating how lack of sleep sort of throws everything into the air, with regard to thoughts — and, indeed, perspective.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Well at least it’s not just my computer…! Tech problems make me twitch. 😉

        Thankyou for Insight Timer advice… apps are a stranger to me[!] though I do have a few Youtube vids that are similar. 🙂

        Like

  1. Ugh insomnia is the worst. Had a bout of it not too long ago. Fortunately I have recently learned to nap, never could before.
    Really like your post, especially the ‘keeping tears prisoner’ line.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Ah thank you, that’s much appreciated. 🙂 It felt important to express it, as my whole perspective is different because of it… it’s just making allowances for that, really.

      Yes insomnia’s a form of mild torture, isn’t it? I’m glad you can nap a bit now… I’m really getting into the napping thing myself — my new hobby. Haha talk about ‘dangerous & edgy’. 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hate insomnia. My doctor gives me little blue pills for when it’s bad. I can’t function when I don’t sleep and my anxiety triples. I hope you get through this fast. I had it for 3 months straight last summer. Mostly due to RATS in my vents.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you… if nothing else, it’s given me a dose of humility, about (re-) appreciating how badly anxious some of us can get without sleep.
      I’m so very sorry you had it for so long — and for such a reason[!] It’s affected me in summers past, too.: humidity makes me sleepless.
      But at the very, very least, there’s some solidarity in knowing that some people understand. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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