IT IS HAPPENING AGAIN…

Not lovely; but honest, I think...


'IT IS HAPPENING AGAIN'

Insides scooped out.Β 
Arms wrapped around the life-wound, tight
To stop the soul from bleeding.

On the rack.

This happened last night, too. 
I don't want it to happen on any night. 
But it does, anyway. 

Persistent fucker, it is.

This afternoon I tried to talk it out:
Good, clever friend; an immensely kind friend. 
But I just didn't do it right.

My fault. 

Some bits I kept in;
Other bits I forgot to say; 
Then we ran out of bloody time.

My fault.

It would be nice to curl up.
A big, tight, safe ball. 
Eyes clamped shut. 

A gentle implosion would be nice.

Maybe if I screw my eyes up tight
The feelings will go away? 
I'd really like to pray. 

This Too Will Pass... yes?

Keeping the tears in. 
Jaw clenched tight. 
Until it passes... whenever that is.

I feel humiliated just for expressing myself.

Maybe I should've remained silent?
My embarrassment: boundless. 
A deep well of inky shame. 

Mister Critical-Voice speaks: 

"Oh... so you've written a poem?" 
"Well lah-de-fucking-dah!"
"Why don't y'just try not being a cunt, instead?"

He knows how to make me tearful. Always did.

The mind struggles to focus. 
Too much fucking static. 
But one phrase repeats firmly:

I.
DO.
NOT.
WANT.
ONE.
MORE.
NIGHT. 
LIKE. 
THIS.

I try to console myself: 
Nothing lasts forever. 
Not even the stab-wounds of Anxiety.

Let reassurance guide me home...
Advertisements

Author: Buffy Devane

Anxietist; Cheerleader; Captain Posh.

28 thoughts on “IT IS HAPPENING AGAIN…”

    1. Thankyou Brian… you speak from a place of experience; and it’s appreciated.
      Actually I do think that writing it out pretty reasonably as I did has helped — I feel relieved, certainly!
      Thankyou. Easy does it.
      Take care too. πŸ™‚ — Buffy.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Writing is so cathartic, don’t you think? Sometimes I feel like everything I write is negative, (and it usually is! I’m not actually a negative person in day to day life), but for me blogging is healing… all the horridness needs to come out! I’m glad you feel better for getting it out πŸ™‚

        Liked by 2 people

      2. Definitely cathartic; actually I didn’t realise how much so when it’s written “to be read” online.
        Haha I know what you mean: my own stuff is often darker. It’s a way we sync our general positive selves with some of the more negative feelings we have within, maybe?
        Anyway, I’m very glad it’s having a generally healing effect for you, too. πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

      3. It’s reassuring to have a community I think. I used to write just in a journal and although it helped, the reassurance I feel here is really healing for me. And yes I think you’re right… but I always like the darkness in your posts anyway! I guess we all have darkness to express.

        Liked by 2 people

      4. Yes indeed… and thank you! Haha I’m glad it’s agreeable darkness. πŸ˜‰ Likewise I find the darkness in your posts to be powerful but positive — which sounds like a contradiction, but it’s not. πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re right, it would be much better if heightened anxiety were a very rare thing indeed… thankfully I don’t get too bad very often, and I’m feeling much improved in the last few hours.
      Thankyou very much, Jo, for the good wishes. πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thankyou, Gabe — you are a gentleman.

      I certainly will… happily Mr Critical Voice left relatively quickly this evening (writing about it really helped), though he always gets a few jibes in.
      Next time (which I hope’s a long time in the future) I will do my very best to keep your advice in mind. πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Bel — your words are very much appreciated. πŸ™‚
      Things have certainly improved in the last few hours… so it’s a matter of getting some rest, I think.

      By the way, I’ll look forward to reading about your adventures with interest. πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Well, it can depend, I think… haha I’m not sure even how to define “lonely”, as I mostly enjoy solitude, but feeling isolated/empty is different, I think?

      Maybe it’s just semantics? Good to think on, anyway…

      Liked by 1 person

Comments are closed.