WISHING I WAS CHIRPY?

It is both good and bad when the mask slips and we find ourselves emotionally exposed. 

Isn't it? 

For me, coming to blogging was a way to shut the door on the past [or try to] and all its denial. Wearing the mask had become psychologically toxic; pretending to be 'fine' had been wearing me down, and I couldn't do it anymore. 

And it was OK. 
And then? 

It wasn't.

For me, it's been second nature not to moan. But I consider myself a good person [hopefully!] in that I'm happy to listen to anyone else's 'stuff'. 

Which leaves a question... 
Buffy, why don't you give yourself the same care that you give your friends? 

A question I still ask. 
This weekend I found myself pretending that things were OK, when they weren't. 
And I've stopped. I'm going to be honest, even if the Self-Critic considers it rather tedious. 

This is a Good Thing. 

It's very healthy to be here. It's possibly the healthiest thing I've done in years. 
Thank you for listening. 

Buffy.

 

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Author: Buffy Devane

Anxietist; Cheerleader; Captain Posh.

40 thoughts on “WISHING I WAS CHIRPY?”

  1. One thing I should have done in my 20s -care about myself more than others. Now I’m just a little bit smarter but still make stupid decisions along the way. Hang in there.

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  2. Sometimes ‘it’s okay not to be okay’ …as long as we are okay in this fact and find comfort in the fact that, one day, we will be again. I admire your openness. I really do. Opening up about this can only bring light into what seems like a dark situation. (I’m just rambling now!) 😳 … but take care, my friend.

    Ps; I’ll reply to your emails this eve! (Bloody kids occupying my time again!) 😜

    Liked by 1 person

    1. ‘Okay not to be okay’… good, true phrase. 🙂
      Thank you. I do appreciate the vote of confidence. If there was rambling in there I didn’t notice it. 😉
      Oh, any time’s good… will look forward to it. 🙂 Those dang kids, eh? 😉

      Like

  3. Wearing that mask is a tiring task, and tricky. When we take it off, we lighten up a little on ourselves, but then we have to look at what’s behind the mask. A bit of damned if you do, damned if you don’t. I’m learning to like what’s behind the mask, even though it isn’t always pretty, it’s at least honest. And that feels good ❤

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  4. I admire your openness, Buffy. Being true to ourselves and being fearless in showing this truth to other people is liberating. It reinforces as well our sense of being.
    As long as you keep on sharing your life story thru your posts, you will always have one reader-friend in here – me 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Andrei… that’s very kindly said, and means a lot. 🙂
      The fearlessness is indeed liberating, once we take that scary step!
      Likewise, I’m happy to be your reader-friend, and I’m looking forward to reading more of your ‘tastes of life’. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  5. It’s not just hard work wearing that mask. It traps all the toxic feeling inside, making the damage it does worse.
    Glad you’re finding a way and place to take it off. I’ve recently stopped putting on the mask and to most my depression just seems like apathy. Turns out it wasn’t totally necessary to begin with…

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    1. That’s another good observation. 🙂
      I’m glad you’re in a similar place… indeed it’s a big fear of mine: that people might think me a “miserable sod” or similar.
      Good to know we’re both moving forward…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m not too worried about people thinking me a miserable sod. I have no clue what I’m so socially anxious about, just don’t want to be the weird one in every room I guess.
        It’s strange to going through this process on WordPress, I feel a hit like I’ve joined alcoholics anonymous, except obviously for depressed people. There are some people that have been doing it for ages, some that are just starting and every now and then I discover someone like yourself whose recovery? seems to be in line with my own. I often find I’m thinking the same things as Mindfump too.
        Glad to have you both as my depressed anonymous companions 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

    2. I appreciate the AA analogy, Hans… I know someone in that programme and you’re right, there’s a similar sense of ‘recovering humanity’ from what I can see.
      Good to have you both as DA companions, too. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oooh DA companions, i like it. (there’s a subtle gaming reference in there too)
        Shall we start a group? 😛
        Shame there’s no 12 step plan for beating depression. Though I’m working on step one, see a professional… I’m a bit slow on the uptake.

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  6. Being emotionally honest can sometimes be an incredibly difficult thing to do. Taking off that mask has mighty high risks but can also yield high reward. It takes way too much energy to fake OK all the time. Of course there’s a time and place for keeping it all tucked away, but for the most part it’s better all around to let shit land where it falls. I too have a hard time being ‘not OK’ around those close to me and it is exhausting. I use writing, music and various hobbies as a way of venting my troubles but truly I’d be better off just showing my true colours. I need to work on that.

    I hope you continue down your healthy path (I could use the good example, haha!) and enjoy the rewards that being emotionally honest and mask free can win you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the insight… haha I hope we can be good examples to the other! I’m going to take this experience as a good learning experience… about conserving energy. I know what you mean about the art and hobbies… sometimes being honest is an art form on its own, maybe!

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  7. -Welcome, and your name?- asked Doctor.
    -Buffy De Chirpy!
    – Oh, ok..let me get some breadcrumbs before we start – and Doctor left the room.

    Oh, I dunno…just happened – the idea :)) 😂😂

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I hear you! Letting the facade drop here with the invisible protection of the blogosphere has become one of my many drugs of choice. I still don’t have your bravery or your talent to lean into the vulnerability, but I’m hoping that some of it will rub off on me in time.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Well, it’s certainly a good drug of choice!
      Gosh you’re very kind but my talent rarely extends beyond 200 words… you, sir, are an excellent long-distance writer. [Or whatever the actual term it!]
      Also, I’m not brave… just foolhardy. 😉 Anyway, I believe there’s a right time and a wrong time for us to speak of our vulnerability, and it will come when it will.

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