I've decided to call my recent rotten period of days, where everything looked fine until the mask fell off then things looked much, much worse, as DARK PANIC.

I don't know if there's any originality in that phrase? I doubt it. But it's what I'm going to call it. 

It's deep, chilling panic that's tinged with a kind of morose hopelessness; when I confess to feeling bad, so many people say kind and supportive things [which are always appreciated] but there's that bastard chattering on away in my head telling me that I don't deserve any kindness or support. Not one bit. 

Well... I do. 

We all do. Anyone who suffers. 

Anyway, today there was nothing that I had to do, that couldn't wait. 
Rare enough. 
I was going to attend to a backlog of emails and tasks of varying importance that have been screwing me up because I'm being pulled in differing directions and don't know where to start. 

But instead I chose green therapy. I contacted a chum, who I knew would be free, and we set off for the English Peak District: five hours outdoors with my mobile phone on silent. 

Magnificent. Calming. Beautiful. 

It was a 3-pub day. 
I'm sure you'll know what that means. 
But it wasn't wine, whisky and song [though that would have been rather fun]... suffice it to say that a glass of sparkling water in the right, calm circumstances can be a lot more pleasurable that a glass of champagne in the wrong circumstances.   

I still have my tasks not completed, but they're already half-done... and, after all, there's always some time tomorrow. Right now, I'm exhausted [!] 

So here's to therapy... green, or otherwise.




  1. That bastard in your head…

    I feel that way too… doubting voice always telling you that you aren’t good enough, you don’t deserve this, blah blah woof woof….

    I know what you are going through. Keep your chin up. You got this. Refocus your energies on more productive things to silence that voice.

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    1. Thank you. That voice does like to pipe up when it isn’t wanted!
      And yes… productivity is a good way to keep that voice down (or even inaudible… it’s been done before). Thank you!

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    1. I think a one-year vacation sounds very attractive!
      And yes: luckily my life style is best suited to nice country pubs. Calm is happy. ๐Ÿ˜€ Thrill-seeking? Not for me so much nowadays. ๐Ÿ˜‰

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      1. Yep :/ it’s too much stress right now around. Personally- waiting for July (ok I’m going to South Africa in march, but not sure if it’s vacation tho, flight is tooooo long. Scared to fly. Never sleeping on the flight..) hm ๐Ÿ˜ซ stress!
        I think I’ll take day off tomorrow. Yes!
        Calm is happy – mmmm, can be a post. #thiefIShere Haha no, no worries. I already scheduled mine.
        And you..? Waiting for anything? Month day time of the year etc? :))

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      2. Phew I couldn’t make a flight to South Africa… I’ve a cousin there but I don’t think I’ll visit him. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ You do well!
        Well every day is a day nearer to July. I hope you’re doing something nice?
        Maybe you can write your post on Calm on your day off tomorrow. ๐Ÿ˜‰ Haha I’m happy if I can inspire you!
        I think I’m looking forward to the long, lazy days of June. Strawberries and cider all round. ๐Ÿ™‚ Apart from that, I have no big plans. Very dull, I know. ๐Ÿ˜‰

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      3. Haha, I hope they ship strawberries some out ASAP. ๐Ÿ˜‰ ๐Ÿ˜›โค๏ธ
        Ah, Spain… sounds nice. Warm(!) Actually I was nearly born in Barcelona, but I’ve not been there properly. ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

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  2. I like this term ‘green therapy’. Definitely need more of this myself. Also, I know the feeling and you absolutely do deserve all of the support you receive. Everyone does โค

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  3. Buffy, I’m on the other side of a forced visit with my version of anxiety (it has a face and I call him Eddie). Wasn’t able to get away for green therapy, or write or do ANYTHING. But, I’m slowly coming back now (I hope).

    Maybe, once I get caught up on several days worth of uncompleted and overdue tasks (like reading blog posts and rejoining conversations that are already stale) I’ll be able to get some of that green therapy or 3-pub nights that sound so perfect. Then I can start forgiving myself (again).

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    1. Gosh, Gabe… I’m sorry you’ve been at that place. We all have it different I can only imagine how it must have been. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ
      Your comments today are encouraging, though, and I hope you can come here more — though, of course, only when you want to. Self-care, self-forgiveness and resting up are the priority.
      I won’t lay on too many ‘platitudes’, though… the main thing being, it’s very nice to see you. ๐Ÿ™‚

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