RETURN TO COMPLETENESS

Yesterday morning, something happened.

Indeed, I know the time [more or less] because I actually felt the need to check my watch.Β 

11.36am, Wednesday 8th March. 

And the 'something' in question?
Sadly, it's a long(ish) story...

Since the latter part of last year, I've been dealing with a lot of emotional pain: the metaphorical sharp dagger in the heart, after a situation that was, not to put too fine a point on it, heart-breaking.
I won't dwell on the details [not least because you'd find it pretty tedious, discerning reader that you are] but my heart was well and truly stabbed. 

The pain? Indescribable.
The anxiety? Sky-high. 
The confusion? Absolute. 

The individual in question couldn't have hurt me more if they'd planned to do so -- indeed, for all I know, it might have been their plan. 

Indeed, as I've said, it's not been the first wound that I've had there -- but that doesn't lessen the pain.
Since then -- over Christmas, New Year, and my birthday -- I tried to get the heartbreak out of my head, thru busy-ness, talk, and alcohol.

Some of these things worked, but always at the back of my mind, there was the quiet-but-still-highly potent unease, the disquiet, the pain. 

Friends helped [they know who they are] and the world of blogging was certainly a welcome world to inhabit. Still is. So many doors of perception have been thrown wide open since January. Marvellous. 

But even so, I was still walking around with this rusty dagger sticking in me. 

Not pretty. 
Not nice. 
Nothing but bloody painful.

All things take their time... but I desperately needed this trauma and loss to go away. But that was not going to be quick. 

Then, yesterday morning, at just after half 11, as I sat with my chum in a foody-pub overlooking the high street of a charming rural town, sipping from a hot chocolate and looking out at the beautiful English countryside... it happened. 

The dagger just dropped out. 
Of its own accord. 
And, for the first time in a long time, I felt whole and complete again. 

It wasn't just because I was having a nice morning... it was a very deep, very profound sensation.
It's hard to accurately convey the feeling of this, save to say it's one of the most calming, and quietly happy, feelings I've had. 
It's beyond happy drunkenness, green therapy, or the aurora zone [all of which I've mentioned in previous blogposts]. This was a feeling I know, a feeling that I've only had twice before in my whole life:

A return to completeness.

So quiet, yet of such immense magnitude.
I wish I could articulate it better -- at the moment I've got few words beyond 'miraculous'.
But it's more due natural progression than miracle -- and progression that's perhaps, in part at least, the result of talking, therapeutic blogging, and spiritual reading and self-improvement. 

The emotional wounds? I know they'll heal, and fairly quickly. 
But the sensitivity, the propensity to be anxious and depressed?
Well, they're nothing new to me -- and they'll remain. 
[I'm under no illusions about that. Sadly.]

But, I am proud to say, I feel I've become myself again.

I do hope this doesn't all sound too much like gloating, or similar... I just felt the need to say this out loud, as it were. 

But anyway, a thank you, blogging chums, all of you I've read and chatted with, for your teachings, your companionship, your inspirations and illuminations, so far... you've shown me the value of openness and honesty.

I feel a better person for being here. It's helped me so much.
And I hope to be an even better person, still. 

Time will tell.

 

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Author: Buffy Devane

Anxietist; Cheerleader; Captain Posh.

44 thoughts on “RETURN TO COMPLETENESS”

    1. Thank you, Daisy… I really appreciate that. πŸ™‚ With this, it was quite difficult to press “publish”!
      I’m glad it resonated, too… such things are not fun, but still, it IS important to share. πŸ™‚

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  1. I do not believe this to be gloating or boastful at all. If anything you are humbly acknowledging that many small steps have been taken for you to finally see a nearly invisible bridge being crossed. Now that you’ve done so, you can’t help but marvel at the hard work, time and possibly tears it’s taken you to get here. I think all of use who suffer with anxiety know that it’s with us for good in one way or another and it can make the hard times even more difficult to handle, but it definitely also means we should take time to enjoy being happy (trying desperately to not read into it too much…). I wish you continued emotional healing and many chances to bask in happy well-being along the way.

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    1. Thank you so much, Ms Mango… that’s a wonderful analogy about the invisible bridge, if I may say! You put it so well and I’m definitely going to keep your words in mind.
      Here’s to healing and much well-being for both of us. πŸ™‚

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      1. Healing from emotional wounds is a leap of faith. We have to be willing to move on and it’s tough but once we do we can see the path clear as day. I don’t know why but my brain took a leap and ended up at Indiana Jones… I hope you didn’t have to avoid giant saw blades or crumbling-into-chasm floors first πŸ˜‰

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      2. Haha, gosh, the Leap from the Lion’s Head? Yes… you’re right. It’s only when we look behind us that we see things for what they are, isn’t it?
        That’s another good analogy you’ve made, by the way — worthy of a blogpost, maybe! πŸ˜€

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      3. Haha, I like analogies. I find they’re the best (erm, the only !?!) way to get across what’s going on in my messed up head to someone that isn’t fluent in Ms. Mango brain!

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      4. Haha, I think I have a fair bit of sympathy with that! I started blogging because I wanted to express what was in my head directly… before finding out that, more often than not, an analogy, however daftly I expressed it, said a lot more in fewer words!
        I think generally people are more in tune with analogies? At least that’s what I understood from reading about comparative religion, anyway. πŸ˜‰

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    1. Thank you. πŸ™‚ That does mean a lot. I suppose the real positive thing is that it wasn’t a “magic cure”… something that for so many of us seems so enticing. It’s a hard road, but there are some very good times if we hang on in there.

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      1. Yes! We will never get anywhere while waiting for a magic cure, the swipe of a magic wand, or even the hope for the right medication. It’s action, walking the hard road, and hanging on that brings about the magic ❀

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  2. I’m glad you feel a lot better. It does take a while to heal right? Somehow what you wrote reminded me of the Lawrence of Arabia quote “The trick, William Potter, is not minding that it hurts”…

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    1. Ah yes, a good quote from a good film. πŸ™‚
      Thank you very much, Bel… there’s definitely a strange relationship with pain going on. I suspect that we sort of ‘heal’ inwardly so that the pain doesn’t affect us the same way… haha but I can’t speak with much erudition beyond that — for now, anyway! It’s fascinating stuff. I’d love to write about it with more clarity one day.

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