STORM OF SHAME

Tonight I'd really rather not be blogging about the dreaded A for Anxiety -- and, discerning reader, if you are indeed rolling your eyes and thinking, "Oh Buffy, for heaven's sake, not this again," then I certainly wouldn't blame you [!] 

However, I'm hoping you'll bear with me for what I hope will be a 'One Night Only' style of post, before I can happily move on to different things. 

As mentioned in a previous post on Thurs 9th March, my life's improved immeasurably since I 'found myself' once more, earlier this month, after staggering thru immensely dark shadows for so long over the winter. 

As I said at the time, however, I was under no illusions as to the probable occasional return of anxiety and not-unrelated low moods. And so it was last night, when 'the storm' hit me. 

It hit me, unannounced -- and without a notable reason or trigger. 

At times, however, even the semblance of reason or logic for such a thing happening eludes us. It's hard not to feel it's a cruel thing, at times.

Today I've been getting better, and doing my best to keep calm. I'm definitely back on the right road, and very quickly so, and if this is a simple "blip", then I'll call that a blessing, and move forward. 

My life, after all, is still immeasurably improved from what it was.
And heck, I'm even proud of myself for dealing with such a storm of anxiety without any significant loss of control. 

I wish I was able to convey my feelings with a little more wisdom and clarity, but whatever the case, I'm glad to have this place to come to, to express myself:



'TWO-HOUR THUNDERSTORM'

Heart? Pounding. 
Thoughts? Whirring. 
Mind? Churning. 
Pulse? Racing. 
Mood? Plummeting.

How did it get like this? 
Yet again? 

No answers come. 
Of course they don't. 
It's a storm. 
Storms simply happen: 
Forces of nature. 

What do I want? 
What will make this better? 

More than anything,
I want to reach out;
Hold and be held
In a comforting embrace 
To soothe this turmoil. 

What do I need? 
What will make this better? 

But I'm comforted 
By being alone; 
By being unattached: 
I do not want anyone 
To see me like this. 

Nothing but vulnerability, 
Emptiness, and utter shame. 
 
My mantra? 
"This Is Not Real." 
It works... sort of. 
'Til the storm passes
And calm's restored.

Nothing but loneliness, 
Bitterness, and utter shame.

The storm is long gone.
Weakened and exhausted, 
Yet stronger and wiser, 
I carry on, as before. 
What else can I do?

And my memory of the storm fades...
Almost as though it had never happened.

 

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Author: Buffy Devane

Anxietist; Cheerleader; Captain Posh.

23 thoughts on “STORM OF SHAME”

  1. The lines you wrote about wanting to reach out…for someone to hold you but at the same time comforted by being alone and not wanting anyone to see you like this. The way you write it – it comes from a really deep place and is quite powerful to people who get to read it. We all go through our own demons…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Those darker times are there to test us, I believe. They usually arrive unannounced – usually when we are back on our feet again! *deep sigh* but wow! Look what a truly amazing piece of writing you produced as a result! One of your best yet! I felt every word. Very powerful, my friend. Sending you virtual hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yep, few things more rotten than a dark time that turns up just when we’re getting stronger!
      Oh gosh, well that is praise indeed, Amanda… I’m glad you appreciated it.
      And I never say no to virtual hugs. 🙂

      Like

  3. I long to find love, but at the same time I want to be alone. When I’m anxious or depressed I don’t want to be around anyone. It’s easier to deal with when I’m alone. So sorry you’ve been anxious today — may tomorrow be a better day.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yep: the (almost) contradiction is a tough one to reconcile: I suppose the solution (if there is one) is to find love with an individual who will have an innate sensitivity to, and appreciation of, what space is needed, when we feel like this?
      A rather tall order, of course!
      Thank you. My brain’s been a bit scrambled today — but I have a certain quiet confidence, deep down, in there being better days to come. And not just for me. 🙂
      Thank you for all your kind comments, indeed. Your openness is much appreciated!

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Alexis… that’s very kind of you indeed. 🙂
      Absolutely: it’s a sneaky devil, but I can’t deny the power of myself (and yourself, and others!) to take that hit if we have to, but ultimately remain steady in spite of it. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I don’t think anyone is rolling their eyes. Especially us fellow anxiety people! What you wrote was very real. For some reason, these things can come back with no apparent cause ( I am an example of that). The beautiful thing is that it often doesn’t last as long, or isn’t as scary.
    PS – I’m magically getting email alerts for your posts, wahoo!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Carolyn… well said. 🙂
      Haha I’m glad: I was going to suggest clicking on the “Manage your subscriptions” bit at the bottom of your notification emails — but I’m glad I now don’t have to!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Amazing post. Very relatable huni…surprisingly so. This is why your blog readers are jumping up and down with enthusiasm for it…because we know how those feelings feel and you described them so well 😘 Wishing a better day for you x

    Liked by 1 person

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