Tonight I'd really rather not be blogging about the dreaded A for Anxiety -- and, discerning reader, if you are indeed rolling your eyes and thinking, "Oh Buffy, for heaven's sake, not this again," then I certainly wouldn't blame you [!] However, I'm hoping you'll bear with me for what I hope will be a 'One Night Only' style of post, before I can happily move on to different things. As mentioned in a previous post on Thurs 9th March, my life's improved immeasurably since I 'found myself' once more, earlier this month, after staggering thru immensely dark shadows for so long over the winter. As I said at the time, however, I was under no illusions as to the probable occasional return of anxiety and not-unrelated low moods. And so it was last night, when 'the storm' hit me. It hit me, unannounced -- and without a notable reason or trigger. At times, however, even the semblance of reason or logic for such a thing happening eludes us. It's hard not to feel it's a cruel thing, at times. Today I've been getting better, and doing my best to keep calm. I'm definitely back on the right road, and very quickly so, and if this is a simple "blip", then I'll call that a blessing, and move forward. My life, after all, is still immeasurably improved from what it was. And heck, I'm even proud of myself for dealing with such a storm of anxiety without any significant loss of control. I wish I was able to convey my feelings with a little more wisdom and clarity, but whatever the case, I'm glad to have this place to come to, to express myself: 'TWO-HOUR THUNDERSTORM' Heart? Pounding. Thoughts? Whirring. Mind? Churning. Pulse? Racing. Mood? Plummeting. How did it get like this? Yet again? No answers come. Of course they don't. It's a storm. Storms simply happen: Forces of nature. What do I want? What will make this better? More than anything, I want to reach out; Hold and be held In a comforting embrace To soothe this turmoil. What do I need? What will make this better? But I'm comforted By being alone; By being unattached: I do not want anyone To see me like this. Nothing but vulnerability, Emptiness, and utter shame. My mantra? "This Is Not Real." It works... sort of. 'Til the storm passes And calm's restored. Nothing but loneliness, Bitterness, and utter shame. The storm is long gone. Weakened and exhausted, Yet stronger and wiser, I carry on, as before. What else can I do? And my memory of the storm fades... Almost as though it had never happened.