CONFESSION TIME

Hi there, 
I'm afraid I've not been in a 'chummy' mood for some time. 
[ Issues too close to home, you see. ]
I've not wished to be cryptic. 
At the same time, talking at length makes me feel as if I'm simply complaining.  
But never mind.
Another 5-7-5 extended haiku...

'DARKEST HOUR BEFORE'

It's 'coming out' time: 
I'm the sad long-time victim
Of a Narcissist. 

Trapped for many years
In an invisible box; 
I'm tired; I'm ashamed. 

In other bad news: 
OCD has played its part
In keeping me weak. 

An inmate for life? 
Is this the final chapter? 
Or maybe there's more? 

I am no hero; 
Greatness is not my buddy; 
But could we still meet? 

Never rate too low
Intestinal fortitude: 
The Power of Grit. 

With sheer force of will
Perhaps I can still achieve 
The impossible?

 

THE PRISONER?

Six verses; six syllables a line...

'STUDENT OF SAGACITY?'

I've been trapped in a cage.
But until recently
I hadn't seen the bars. 

I've been utterly blind.
But until recently
I'd thought my vision sharp. 

I've been drowning in tar. 
But until recently
I'd believed I could float. 

Older, sadder, wiser?
At least the middle term
Remains open to change.

Eyes open to the light: 
Is it ever too late
For illumination? 

Thinking on this question
I say now, loud and clear: 
Never. Never. Never.

 

WAKING THE VIVACITY

So what about January, mes amis?
This month's been awfully chaotic for me. 
Can't deny it.
[ Mostly circumstantial, though. ]
However -- I'm still optimistic. 
This month will be the worst month of 2O18.  
So there. 


'ONE OF TWELVE'

Talking in riddles?
Parading my woes? 
Speaking in a deep shade
Of sweet purple prose? 

Spending my own sweet time
Treading that fine line
Between self-expression
And self-obsession. 

Sweet January blues; 
"Dreary" is my situation.
But I'm not choosing
To spread the desolation. 

Today was a bastard
And tomorrow will be cold.
But the future? That's mine: 
I'll transmute it to gold. 

Blog me some blogging; 
Fight the good fight. 
Step by step upward
Towards joyous light.

 

THE ODE TO RECOVERY

Inspired by yesterday --  
A Monday dedicated to waiting:


'HOSPITAL CAR PARK'

Impatient pacing. 
An urgent uncertainty.  
Elongated time.

Wellness from illness? 
Hating high-risk surgery; 
Endless afternoon. 

Grim grinder of teeth;
Fingertip table-drummer.
Finally? All clear.

Something to sup, now?
I'd prefer a pint of air. 
Bolt for the exit!

Drinking in deep breaths;
A large, luxurious calm. 
Doom? Another day.

 

WASTELANDS

SOMETHING'S ROTTEN IN THE STATE... 

The rancid Queen scowls
On her decaying throne
Of brittle-dry bones.
A realm in bloody chaos;
Us peasants drinking in the pain. 

The kindly King? Sickly. 
Sour reward for age and indulgence.
His ennobling, enabling nature
Approved a new reign of terror.
And now? Eaten alive. 

He spends gentle days wasting away
Like the fisher-king of Carbonec; 
The foulness of his fat tumour
Reflected in spasms of hatred
Throughout the putrid land. 

No chosen one? No miracle? 
No Perceval? No Galahad? 
Don't you trust the storytellers: 
Life's rarely as romantic
As they - or we - would wish. 

Without a beacon, I stagger
Boozily thru the stinking streets;
My throat dry from anger
I hesitate to state:
"Long live the Queen." 

Tyranny always ends? 
We can only hope for hope. 
Now, I do all I can: 
Placing one trembling foot
In front of the other.

BRUTAL SUNDAY SUNSET

'UNDER FIRE'

Why
Can I not treat myself 
With the kindness 
I show to my friends? 

Why 
Is my grief, anger, anxiety 
So relentlessly shameful
In my own mind? 

I do not like
Asking these questions,
Let alone contemplating 
The merciless answers. 

If circumstances were different
My mindset would be A-1 Healthy.
But they're not 
So it's not. 

SCREAM silently; 
Lie to those around me: 
A bad but effective way
To limp to the end of the day.

A LONG WAY FROM HOME

Cruel summer; nearly ended. 
Home truths? They're here.  

Too much toxic stress 
Freshly squeezed into too few weeks. 

Psychological abuse? I know now.
It's right here in the family. 

Late last night, exhausted,
I looked into the mirror. 

A hushed, tender voice
Spoke softly in my mind:

You're a long way from home. 

What's meant by this? 
Something I need to work out.

But, in spite of blog absences, 
I'm here to stay.

 

 

CELESTIAL CORRESPONDENCE

Dear Buffy the Blogger: 

-- You've not blogged (or read blogs) for a while? 
-- You're feeling bad about it? 

Well, don't worry. 
Here's how it is (just my view, y'understand, but then again, I'm bloody clever):  

-- Your absence stems from mind-fog. 
-- Your mind-fog stems from agony. 
-- Your agony stems from anxiety. 
-- Your anxiety is a result of fear, OCD, some depression, and (last but not least) continuous psychological abuse from those too physically close for comfort. 

Give yourself a break, will you? 

You've not lost your inner strength, and the following things will return in time: 

-- Calm.
-- Clarity. 
-- Self-regard. 
-- Blogging mojo. 
-- Outer strength. 

And, even better, when that blogging mojo returns, you'll be able to express your thoughts on what's happened during this bloody cruel August and, hopefully, be able to help someone else. 

No worries, matey... 
YOU. WILL. BE. FINE.

Sincerely, 
The Angel on your shoulder. X

 

WHITE HORSES

'INELUDIBLE'
 
I can't see the tidal wave 
But I know that it is coming. 
I can't hear the tidal wave 
But I know that it is coming. 

I can't prepare, or hide from it
But I know that it is coming. 
I don't know when it will arrive
But I know it will be soon.

Soon my mind will be haywire:
A dark, chaotic miasma
Of brutal images and feelings
Will obscure my view of the world.

The minor considerations of life?
They cease to contain meaning.
The tenderness I feel for others?
Mostly frozen in stasis.

I hold tight to my small fixations
And to my minor eccentricities;
They're not much to be proud of
But I feel they're all I have.

I try to calm my mind and body
Aware that trying is not enough;
I know the tidal wave is coming
And my fear holds supremacy.

 

ENDGAME

'NIGHTFALL GAMBITS'

Words, words, words.
Words pouring from my sore head 
Onto the screen; black on white.
Not quite a symphony in ink; 
But near enough, yes? 

Too many doubts and fears? 
Too much crap clogging up 
The pipes in your mind? 
LET IT OUT [!]
Clean out the rotten system.

All the people
Picking apart pain;
Chugging the balm
From sleek Olympian chalices; 
Calming nectarous merriment.

But fear is invading; 
A fleet of scares and sorrows
Including the fear of fear itself:
Muscles twitch and limbs shake; 
Will I be whole again?

Three colours of my moods:
Gold, silver and blue.
Not enough of the former,
Too many of the last: 
Improvement needed fast.

Hope for the best. 
Pray for the best. 
Prepare for the worse. 
It was ever thus.
Wasn't it?

Trapped. 
Twice trapp'd: 
Alone on the outside;
Alone on the inside. 
Doubly damned?

Set up the board, nicely. 
Do I play for checkmate? 
Stalemate? 
Zugzwang?
Or another option?

I move my pieces;
So does my opponent. 
I simply don't want to lose.
But is that enough?
Enough for victory?

Wednesday continues apace. 
Hours are long, days are short;
The sun will soon set in the west.
Just a game -- but the result? 
Time will tell.