CELESTIAL CORRESPONDENCE

Dear Buffy the Blogger: 

-- You've not blogged (or read blogs) for a while? 
-- You're feeling bad about it? 

Well, don't worry. 
Here's how it is (just my view, y'understand, but then again, I'm bloody clever):  

-- Your absence stems from mind-fog. 
-- Your mind-fog stems from agony. 
-- Your agony stems from anxiety. 
-- Your anxiety is a result of fear, OCD, some depression, and (last but not least) continuous psychological abuse from those too physically close for comfort. 

Give yourself a break, will you? 

You've not lost your inner strength, and the following things will return in time: 

-- Calm.
-- Clarity. 
-- Self-regard. 
-- Blogging mojo. 
-- Outer strength. 

And, even better, when that blogging mojo returns, you'll be able to express your thoughts on what's happened during this bloody cruel August and, hopefully, be able to help someone else. 

No worries, matey... 
YOU. WILL. BE. FINE.

Sincerely, 
The Angel on your shoulder. X

 

WHITE HORSES

'INELUDIBLE'
 
I can't see the tidal wave 
But I know that it is coming. 
I can't hear the tidal wave 
But I know that it is coming. 

I can't prepare, or hide from it
But I know that it is coming. 
I don't know when it will arrive
But I know it will be soon.

Soon my mind will be haywire:
A dark, chaotic miasma
Of brutal images and feelings
Will obscure my view of the world.

The minor considerations of life?
They cease to contain meaning.
The tenderness I feel for others?
Mostly frozen in stasis.

I hold tight to my small fixations
And to my minor eccentricities;
They're not much to be proud of
But I feel they're all I have.

I try to calm my mind and body
Aware that trying is not enough;
I know the tidal wave is coming
And my fear holds supremacy.

 

ENDGAME

'NIGHTFALL GAMBITS'

Words, words, words.
Words pouring from my sore head 
Onto the screen; black on white.
Not quite a symphony in ink; 
But near enough, yes? 

Too many doubts and fears? 
Too much crap clogging up 
The pipes in your mind? 
LET IT OUT [!]
Clean out the rotten system.

All the people
Picking apart pain;
Chugging the balm
From sleek Olympian chalices; 
Calming nectarous merriment.

But fear is invading; 
A fleet of scares and sorrows
Including the fear of fear itself:
Muscles twitch and limbs shake; 
Will I be whole again?

Three colours of my moods:
Gold, silver and blue.
Not enough of the former,
Too many of the last: 
Improvement needed fast.

Hope for the best. 
Pray for the best. 
Prepare for the worse. 
It was ever thus.
Wasn't it?

Trapped. 
Twice trapp'd: 
Alone on the outside;
Alone on the inside. 
Doubly damned?

Set up the board, nicely. 
Do I play for checkmate? 
Stalemate? 
Zugzwang?
Or another option?

I move my pieces;
So does my opponent. 
I simply don't want to lose.
But is that enough?
Enough for victory?

Wednesday continues apace. 
Hours are long, days are short;
The sun will soon set in the west.
Just a game -- but the result? 
Time will tell.

 

OXYGEN TANK TUESDAY?

Just stopping by here in the middle of trying to cope with a too-full In-Tray, and realising that I need to come here and spend more time reading all my fellow bloggers' fine posts... 

I'm rapidly coming to the conclusion that Tuesday is the cruellest day of the week(!) 



'OVERLOADED'

Wires? Crossed. 
Fuses? Blown. 
Circuits? Shorted. 
Thoughts? Contorted. 
Psyche? Bent. 
Mind? Melted. 

Give me time, from time to time;
Give me space to breathe: 
Wonderful, much-needed oxygen 
For lungs, skin, mind and soul.

DEPLETION BLUES

Continuing today's theme of Buffy's laugh-a-minute, "tremendous fun Tuesday" [with my apologies for the mild sarcasm]...


'INSUBSTANTIAL'

Out of coherence:
Blurred image in the mirror
Staring back at me.

How to move forward?
Holding my soul together
With mere safety pins. 

So: All will be well...?
Sometimes it feels not enough
To know this is true.

 

O.C.D. — THE REVENGE

Today is not a good day. By any stretch of the imagination. 
I can only hope for [A] improvement, or [B] a miracle.
Just a nice, little miracle. I'm not fussy. 

In the meantime, it's time for more coffee.
Insomnia is no fun -- and it doesn't take a college professor to tell anyone that. If affects everything.
This was composed in the early, sleepless hours...


'OBVIOUSLY CRIPPLING DISCOMFORTS'

Choice phrases such as: 
"Did you lock all of the doors?" 
Pulse thru my soft mind. 

Quickly, savagely
O.C.D. regains my brain; 
Lost territory. 

Been away too long? 
A lifetime's not long enough. 
Please just let me rest. 

How do you cry "help"
When your overheated mind 
Is the enemy?

I'm like a frail bloke 
Facing an enemy tank; 
Helpless, hopeless, scared.

So now I hope for? 
Rest, reassurance, and sleep. 
Holy trinity.

 

THUND’ROUS THOUGHTS

Monday again? Wow. The days can be long but the weeks are short...
This non-haiku is inspired [such as it is] by a dream:


'NORTH-EASTERLY GALES'

Longing
Lingering
Looks.

Soaking in soft psychological suds?
Get out of that warm bath; 
It's time to get hikin'. 

Get out of my head! 
Don't be singing, full-throated,
The Ballad of Chevy-Chase. 

Lord Northumberland
Or Lord Douglas; 
Which old antagoniser am I?

A bitterly grey afternoon 
Searching for singular bits of my mind
On the cool, rolling Cheviot Hills. 

Mad Scots and Englishmen? 
They'll fight 'til the day's done.
The tribes are familiar to me: 

Spoiling for a scrap
They reflect my inner-combat,
And the impossibility of peace.

I know full well I'm not alone.
And yet? 
I am... oh God, I am.

Battered by storms and doubts 
I charge for the cottage; 
The neutrality zone.

Safely inside,
I deliriously bolt the door
And check the tinted windows.

Blackout curtains shut?
I then will myself
Into meditation.

I've shut it out,
The whole of the virulent world
And I am alone.

But I forgot, didn't I?
My own worst enemy;
He who hates so much. 

I'm alone with him now;
We've a board game to play:
He won't stop 'til he's won.

Think of me, won't you? 
Sitting quietly in this cottage;
A half-happy prisoner.

I won't give in just yet:
Trying to maintain resistance 
From one minute to the next.