As youths at school -- in what seems a whole lifetime ago, now, elderly fellow that I am -- we were sometimes asked by teachers what we wanted to be when we grew up. 

After two decades of being an adult and gracing a few arenas of employment, I'm still deciding. 

But this one goes beyond career or other signifiers of adulthood or tangible achievement: 


What do I want to be? 
I want to be better.

I want to give out a smile
Not expecting one back. 

I want to speak out 
Even though it might cost me.

I want to personally make sure
No-one feels left behind.

I want to go thru a single day 
And not once feel despair.

I want to recall my life's mistakes
Without beating myself up for them.

I want to look in the mirror 
And think: "Yeh... he's alright."

Praying for miracles? Perhaps. 
But worth dreaming of, yes?

What do I want to be? 
I want to be better.




Why so damn anxious? 
Think you're a big fat failure? 
Not giving enough? 

You feel left behind? 
Useless with a flabby mind? 
And no direction?

If you can... relax.
Things happen when they happen:
To each a season. 

Don't seek approval:
Our only judge and jury
Is simply ourself.

On the road of life 
We don't race anyone else:
Move to your own beat.


The blogpost where Buffy tries to be all clever and pretend he's a bit wise like Socrates, but convinces no-one....

This is expanded from a comment I made in response to the excellent and erudite Mindfump. [He's great. You should go read his stuff.] 


At the risk of sounding particularly smug, I pride myself on having impeccable taste in friends... indeed, without exception, all my friends are delicious and fabulous people. They also all rate extremely highly in the compassion stakes... one of the biggest reasons, really, that they're my friends. 

They're also all more clever than myself [it's not hard, to be fair] -- it's always good to have wise and clever friends. They raise us up.

However, this circle of friends also has a wide diversity of political and religious viewpoints -- from hippie liberals to stodgy socialists to curmudgeonly conservatives -- sometimes dissimilar to, and occasionally at odds with, my own. Though of course, these disagreements are always chummy... if possible, I do everything in "chummy" fashion, as is my way. 

I've always liked to debate in the fashion of the "Socratic Dialogues" of ancient Athens... albeit in a much less erudite fashion, and with much more wine [as is the way at Chez Buffy, or my local pub]. 

I definitely welcome this chummy sense of disagreement and debate: after all, if my friends all had identical or even very similar views, and furthermore always agreed with me, then that'd be the most direct route up my own arse that I could possibly take. 

Possibly due to my sense of duality, I'm also firmly of the belief that, agree with them or disagree, the majority of the UK's political parties have their angels, and have their demons. Certainly you won't find me turning my back on anyone for their political views [within reason... he added, quickly covering himself]. 

Also, my own political views are quite fixed, but they can get moved a little depending on new facts/arguments I encounter. That's good. It's evolution. 

But is being welcome to a diversity of views going out of fashion? The more I read about politics and hear the comments of people online, the more bigoted, polarised, and restricted are the views that I hear. 

This has been happening for some time, I think: the voting for, and reaction to, both President Trump and Brexit may have firmly underlined this mutually antagonistic tribalistic mentality, but it didn't produce it. 

Is tribalism the nature of online commenting, or does it reflect the UK at large, the USA at large, and the world at large? 

A while back, out of weariness I had to turn my back on both Facebook and twitter. My reason? It simply wasn't fun the way it used to be. I felt like I was drowning in a deluge of bigotry, emotive exclusionism, elitism, virtue-signalling, and more bigotry. 

Socratic it ain't. 

-- Is it wrong of me to be jaded? 
-- Is it wrong of me to be intolerant of intolerance? 
-- Is it OK that I want to believe in compassion and good sense and democracy and progressiveness and patriotism... but at the same time, am very suspicious of people who bandy those words around as if they're going out of fashion? 

And, as with so many things, I remain confused. 

Heck, will I even be voting on June 8th? 
I suppose I won't know 'til June 8th.

But, for the time being, I'll be proud to encompass diversity of mind. 

For me, that's where Utopia begins.




Misty, cloudy mind;
I feel too disconnected.
My thoughts need order. 

I understand now: 
"Out of sync" and "out of reach"; 
Two perfect phrases. 

What would I give, now? 
To feel attached to the world? 
A priceless feeling. 

The mistake I make? 
In feeling fleeting despair
To be permanent. 

Each day? It brings gifts:
Hope and possibility.
So we must reach out. 

Write yourself a note: 
Stick it on your fridge.



A new week and a fresh, blank page? Don't mind if I do. 

Freshness = possibility = hope.

Anyway, this is for someone who's been a great help after a mostly rotten week; someone who would most likely be irritated if I mentioned them by name, who often doesn't realise all the good that they do, and who probably doesn't even realise that it's about them. 

Confused? You will be after another 4-verse haiku [!] 


My mind is on fire 
And no thought remains unburned: 
An infernal blaze.

Hope? It melts like ice;
Platitudes do not douse flames:
I wish it weren't so. 

But keep faith I must; 
I welcome gentle wisdom
And I always will.

Bless the firefighters: 
They know just how bad it gets
And always help out.




If you have suffered
And truly know the suicidal pain 
Of gut-wrenching depression?
Then you are a survivor. 

If people have hurt you 
And made you feel worthless
But you know, deep down, you deserve better?
Then you are a fighter. 

If your own problems
Have made you hurt or overlook others 
But you're sorry and want to make amends?
Then you are a good person. 

If panic has taken so much of your life away 
But you badly want it back
And plan to one day kick anxiety's ass?
Then you are a badass. 

If you know the pain of
What some might call 'failure'. 
But you want you and your friends to do better? 
Then you are a winner. 

So... let's see? 
You're a survivor, a fighter, 
A good person, a badass, and a winner. 
Well, my friend... I'm proud to know you.



OK, it's going to be a one hundred word free verse poem for blogpost #1OO. 
Just something simple.
I'm enjoying refining my own personal sense of verbose brevity, after all [!]

Anyway, a warm thank you to everyone who's stopped by this blog so far, and read, liked or commented on my posts since I began blogging. Every word has been much appreciated.

No matter where we are in our journey, I think most anxious depressives are very appreciative of warmth, kindness and support... it's not just useful, it's essential. 

Thank you for being my chum.


What am I? 
Silly soliloquist? 
Depressive dilletante? 
Happy haikuist? 
Anxious serenitist?
Male feminist? 
Romantic cynic? 
Wonderfully wise?
Introspective idiot? 
Suave chump? 
Boozy oaf?
Deliciously foolish?
"Admiral Buffy"? 
"Captain Posh"? 
All of the above? 

It's all good. 
So, will I ever grow up? 
I doubt it. 
My personal credo? 
Child-like... but not child-ish.
I hope.
Not because I'm indifferent; 
Rather, because I care too much 
About the world's pain and its problems.
It is what it is.
Anyway, my First Mate and reader; 
Set a course for the way home: 
Second star to the right -- 
And straight on 'til morning.