FLAMING!

 

My lovely top chum, Miss Prosecco, quoted Seneca in an email to me last month: 
"They lose the day in expectation of the night -- and lose the night in fear of the dawn."

It struck me that the fearful mentality is one that has chased me around as I've grown up, like some bloated predator. 
And indeed, it's remained a frequent visitor for too many years of my adulthood. 

Happily, I've made myself a promise recently and stuck to it: 
While I can't banish Mister Fear from my home entirely, He is no longer welcome at Chez Buffy. 

So there. 


'HOT WINGS' 

Fear 
Is a virus 
That spreads thru the mind 
Causing anxiety & depression. 

But confidence 
Is a flame 
That spreads & ignites dynamism; 
It burns hot, bright & beautiful. 

Presently, I'm empowered. 
And, like the gorgeous phoenix 
I'm mightily thankful 
For the flame.

MARVELLOUS

'HARMONY AHOY' 

Shh... listen. 
Can you hear that?
It's the ethereal sound
Of spiritual magic
In the whispering woods.

Shhh... listen. 
Can you hear that?
It's the ambrosial sound
Of enlightened laughter
Deep in my soul.

Shhhh... listen.
Can you hear that? 
It's the rapturous sound
Of the cogs of my creativity
Whirring into life.

Shhhhh... listen. 
Can you hear that?
It's the celestial sound
Of my prison bars
Slowly dissolving.

 

CONFESSION TIME

Hi there, 
I'm afraid I've not been in a 'chummy' mood for some time. 
[ Issues too close to home, you see. ]
I've not wished to be cryptic. 
At the same time, talking at length makes me feel as if I'm simply complaining.  
But never mind.
Another 5-7-5 extended haiku...

'DARKEST HOUR BEFORE'

It's 'coming out' time: 
I'm the sad long-time victim
Of a Narcissist. 

Trapped for many years
In an invisible box; 
I'm tired; I'm ashamed. 

In other bad news: 
OCD has played its part
In keeping me weak. 

An inmate for life? 
Is this the final chapter? 
Or maybe there's more? 

I am no hero; 
Greatness is not my buddy; 
But could we still meet? 

Never rate too low
Intestinal fortitude: 
The Power of Grit. 

With sheer force of will
Perhaps I can still achieve 
The impossible?

 

THE PRISONER?

Six verses; six syllables a line...

'STUDENT OF SAGACITY?'

I've been trapped in a cage.
But until recently
I hadn't seen the bars. 

I've been utterly blind.
But until recently
I'd thought my vision sharp. 

I've been drowning in tar. 
But until recently
I'd believed I could float. 

Older, sadder, wiser?
At least the middle term
Remains open to change.

Eyes open to the light: 
Is it ever too late
For illumination? 

Thinking on this question
I say now, loud and clear: 
Never. Never. Never.

 

WAKING THE VIVACITY

So what about January, mes amis?
This month's been awfully chaotic for me. 
Can't deny it.
[ Mostly circumstantial, though. ]
However -- I'm still optimistic. 
This month will be the worst month of 2O18.  
So there. 


'ONE OF TWELVE'

Talking in riddles?
Parading my woes? 
Speaking in a deep shade
Of sweet purple prose? 

Spending my own sweet time
Treading that fine line
Between self-expression
And self-obsession. 

Sweet January blues; 
"Dreary" is my situation.
But I'm not choosing
To spread the desolation. 

Today was a bastard
And tomorrow will be cold.
But the future? That's mine: 
I'll transmute it to gold. 

Blog me some blogging; 
Fight the good fight. 
Step by step upward
Towards joyous light.

 

THE ODE TO RECOVERY

Inspired by yesterday --  
A Monday dedicated to waiting:


'HOSPITAL CAR PARK'

Impatient pacing. 
An urgent uncertainty.  
Elongated time.

Wellness from illness? 
Hating high-risk surgery; 
Endless afternoon. 

Grim grinder of teeth;
Fingertip table-drummer.
Finally? All clear.

Something to sup, now?
I'd prefer a pint of air. 
Bolt for the exit!

Drinking in deep breaths;
A large, luxurious calm. 
Doom? Another day.

 

A PRACTICALLY PERFECT 180 ?

It's funny how life can "turn on a sixpence" -- to quote my dear old grandmother... i.e. completely change direction in such a small space of time. 

Two weeks ago, I was in a humid hell of isolation and frenzied panic -- and today/this week I'm positive, calm and relaxed... and only yesterday discussed with a friend our respective plans for a lovely autumn and the eventual arrival of December, with its bright lights and schmaltzy festive films (too sugary for some, but not for me, if I can mention one guilty pleasure for a moment). 

I don't think the change is merely down to cooler air; there's slight changes in circumstances, and also in my mindset... not to mention a shedload of good luck, which I'm grateful for. Sometimes it's easier to just enjoy the good times, rather than over-analysing them. 

I can't be promised a life of joy (indeed, sometimes my mood changes from relaxed to anxious many times an hour), but if I can find a little joy in every day, I think I'm doing something right. 

Of course, life isn't perfect -- some of my best friends are going thru brutally bad times, indeed -- but I'm doing all that I can for them. Beyond that, I've just got to accept that many things are out of my hands.

Anyway, here's to more blogposts -- and to being in touch with more of you again! 

Let's hope the final third of 2O17 is the best of the bunch...

 

CELESTIAL CORRESPONDENCE

Dear Buffy the Blogger: 

-- You've not blogged (or read blogs) for a while? 
-- You're feeling bad about it? 

Well, don't worry. 
Here's how it is (just my view, y'understand, but then again, I'm bloody clever):  

-- Your absence stems from mind-fog. 
-- Your mind-fog stems from agony. 
-- Your agony stems from anxiety. 
-- Your anxiety is a result of fear, OCD, some depression, and (last but not least) continuous psychological abuse from those too physically close for comfort. 

Give yourself a break, will you? 

You've not lost your inner strength, and the following things will return in time: 

-- Calm.
-- Clarity. 
-- Self-regard. 
-- Blogging mojo. 
-- Outer strength. 

And, even better, when that blogging mojo returns, you'll be able to express your thoughts on what's happened during this bloody cruel August and, hopefully, be able to help someone else. 

No worries, matey... 
YOU. WILL. BE. FINE.

Sincerely, 
The Angel on your shoulder. X